Really, Bev?
Oh, thank you so much. That is wonderful news.
Wonderful news? The last time I said that
was when my pet gnus learned the true meaning of Christmas.
Classic Tracy. You'll miss this!
Anyway, that was one of the adoption agencies we're working with,
and they may have a kid who's perfect for us.
He's a 3-year-old boy from Transylvania -- stay with me --
his name is Dracul -- hear me out --
he is a hemophiliac with a sleep disorder --
Children change everything. Right now, you can do what you want.
But once you have kids, you have to be on their schedule,
watch their cartoons, and touch their poo.
Tracy, you still do whatever you want.
That's right, I do.
But you don't, so have fun while you can.
Be spontaneous. You know, stop being yourself.
I'm spontaneous.
For instance, I started talking
before I had an example of how I'm spontaneous.
Nice haul, Mr. CEO. Did you get my gift?
I assume it was the bottle of wine with the card reading,
"Dear Doritos, what about just selling bags full of your dust?
I could put it on chicken or fish."
Obviously there was a mix-up.
I wrote you a very heartfelt note that said,
"Congratulations on becoming CEO. Do you know anyone at Doritos?"
Well, I'm not CEO yet.
The board has to rubber-stamp me,
there'll be a party for me later this week,
then I have to drive around with my headlights off
until someone flashes me,
then I have to -- Well, it's not important.
In the meantime, I'm tying up some loose ends.
I'm heading down to Florida this afternoon
to take care of my mother's estate.
Fittingly, she left everything to her live-in nurse, Martha --
the house I paid for, the silver, my grandfather's purple heart.
It's terrible what alcoholism can do to the body.
She really didn't leave you anything? That's not very nice.
I loved my mother, Lemon.
Obviously because of Stockholm Syndrome.
But she was, on her best day, a miserable old crone
whose only joy came in sharing her unhappiness with others,
even in death.
She is the only person in the world to have sarcastic last words.
JACK: "I just want you to be 'happy."'
Oh, mother, how I "miss" you.
Anyway, I thought you might like to come to Florida with me.
I can get you a VIP pass to Universal's Harry Potter World.
Okay, I am not some kind of nerdery slut.
I like "Star Wars"!
Lemon, I'm not relishing this trip.
It would be nice to have someone with me.
Are you coming or not?
Yes, I am.
How's that for spontaneous? Florida on a workday?
To that store that sells long-sleeve SPF shirts!
Hey, I need somebody to sign for this water.
Oh, no, you need a nobody to sign for that water.
We're on TV.
Okay, then, who's in charge?
Well, Liz, but she's in Florida.
Or Pete, but he went to a line producers' convention in Albany.
I saw him pack a wig.
Tracy, does this mean we're in charge?
Where do you want the water?
- [Knock on door] - I'm sorry, where is Liz Lemon?
She's out of the office.
Is there anything we can help you with?
We've got about... 10 minutes
before we've got to go watch-shopping.
Well, this does affect the two of you.
I'm Martin Lutherking, from NBC's in-house counsel.
A former "TGS" employee has filed a harassment lawsuit
against this production and both of you individually.
The complainant is seeking damages in the amount of $50 million.
[Dial tone]
Hold my calls, giant bee.
I assume you know this woman.
- Wassername! - What's her name?
So, these are the things your mother wanted you to have.
Oh.
The baby shoes she found after that fire.
God, she loved looting.
Colleen was such a lovely woman.
Thank you, Martha, but you don't have to do that.
I mean, you knew Colleen.
And there's so much I'll miss -- her kindness, her laugh.
Her laugh. Of course.
Oh, she was the happiest person I ever met.
JACK: Sure.
Remind me of some of the happy things my mother would do.
Oh, you know, tell jokes.
And the pranks!
Her nickname here was "Mrs. Silly." [Sobs]
Uh, tell me, Martha,
how long did you work for my mother, exactly?
I'm sorry.
- [Door opens, closes] - What the hell was that?
She'll miss Colleen's laughter?
That woman clearly didn't even know my mother.
This is a scam. She took advantage of an old lady.
I saw this on "Dateline".
Next we'll be holding hands in adjacent bathtubs.
Or maybe that was a Cialis commercial. It's all a blur.
I'm calling the police.
[Dial tone]
[Dialing]
OPERATOR: Thank you for calling Florida Emergency Services.
If this is regarding an anaconda in a crawl space, press one.
If a sinkhole full of Indian bones
has appeared in your living room, press two.
If you want to know why "JAG" wasn't on this week, press three.
- If your... - [Scoffs]
Why can't we just cut this state adrift and let it crash into Cuba?
We'll just solve this ourselves, like that woman on "Dateline"
who tried to solve her sister's murder, then disappeared.
But We won't go scuba diving with the husband.
Lemon, when Martha comes back,
I'll distract her while you sneak around and go through her things.
It's a caper! Who's spontaneous now, Tracy?!
Okay, start from the beginning.
Well, the plaintiffs deposition alleges that --
No, further back.
What kind of dinosaur was your grandfather?
Um, the plaintiff alleges that there is a widespread culture of depravity
here at "TGS" --
sexual harassment, intimidation, threats of violence.
Her deposition is... very gross.
I'm going to use this doll to show you what Tracy and Jenna did to me.
"No, no, no!" "Yes ..
[Grunting]
[Humming]
[Grunting]
[Screaming]
She's lying like a rug!
Rug is an offensive term for Persians that I made up.
We would never do that to a page.
Maybe that tall, Asian one.
Oh, yeah, Miranda.
Her hair is so thick and black.
Please, don't include me in this.
Look, legal views this as a frivolous lawsuit.
Hazel Wassername, AKA Richard Drench,
has a long history of suing former employers.
So, all we need is for everyone who works at "TGS"
to sign this affidavit saying that they have
never witnessed or been party to any inappropriate behavior.
I once played a lawyer in a movie,
so I know all about winning your son's love back
thanks to a magic camera.
Yes, movies are terrible.
Well, don't worry. We'll get everyone to sign.
We really don't want this to go to court for a number of reasons --
you two could be personally liable for any damages,
Hank Hooper hates any type of negative publicity like this,
and I didn't super-duper finish law school, so...
I'm sorry about that.
I just miss your mother so much.
She was an angel that fell from heaven.
Yes.
[Whispering] So was Lucifer.
Do you have a bathroom I could use?
Down at the end of the hall.
I may be in there a while
because I have a gluten thing that turns my business white.
BOTH: Just go!
JACK: So, Martha, tell me some more funny Colleen stories.
Colleen had two night tables?
"Kama Sutra"?
Huh?
Who's "M"?
Gah!!
Shmesbians! [Gasps]
Where are my manners? This is Florida.
Let me boil up a pot of hot Gatorade. Is blue okay?
Uh...
[Whispering] Jack, bedroom!
Lies. Martha's been telling me Colleen loved children and animals.
The only animal Colleen ever bought me was a myna bird
who was later revealed to be Colleen's personal spy.
I told that bird everything.
No, Jack, it's not a scam.
I think Martha and Colleen were... together.
- Have you lost your mind? - it's a thing.
Men die first, and these older women are alone
and turn to each other for companionship.
Like my Aunt Linda and her roommate Jean.
But they weren't lesbians. Oh, my God, of course they were!
Lemon, listen to what you're saying. Colleen Donaghy was gay?
She stopped watching the Bruins because Derek Sanderson's mustache
made him look, quote, "like he takes his sandwich with a pickle."
They shared a bed, Jack, a Sleep Number bed,
set to two drastically different firmness levels.
Only an insane person would do that if they were sleeping alone.
Insane!
Martha tricked Colleen into thinking she was her friend,
and of course two friends can share a bed.
For example, Abraham Lincoln and his roommate Joshua Fry Speed
slept in the same bed together
until Joshua died from dancing too long at a party.
[Door opens]
The Gatorade's on.
While we're waiting, I DVR'd a documentary
about the woman who designed all of Pat Summitt's blazers.
Kenneth, we have a signed affidavit regarding this Hazel situation
from everyone on the "TGS" crew except you.
- [Sighs] - Look, I get it.
I know how former lovers can have a hold over you
long after they're gone.
In some ways, I'm still pinned under a passed-out Harvey Weinstein,
and it's Thanksgiving.
But the truth is, Hazel is gone, Ken Jennings.
And to prove it, we hid a camera on a gigolo friend of ours
and asked him to seduce Hazel.
Sloppy Rodney. Do you know him? He has syphilis.
MAN: Hey, baby. You want to get down?
Sloppy Rodney? [Laughs] It's me, Richard Drench.
RODNEY: I remember that ass.
[Both laugh]
KENNETH: Please, stop!
[Television clicks off]
Hazel isn't the reason I won't sign that affidavit.
The truth is I have seen a lot of inappropriate things here at "TGS",
and I don't want to lie about it.
What's the big deal? Lying is easy.
For example, there isn't a hole in my pocket
I keep touching my penis through. See? Easy.
Not for me, sir.
I've lost a lot this past year.
I went from being a page to a janitor.
My girlfriend dumped me.
The only thing I have left is my integrity.
Now, you both know I would do anything for you,
but I want you to think long and hard
before you ask me to sign that affidavit
because you'd be making me give up who I am.
- Whatever. Sign it. - Uh-huh. Sign it.
I apologize.
We never had the need for a second bedroom around here.
This is usually where I store my woodworking tools
and the pottery I make.
[Gags, clears throat]
What's the problem, Lemon? They're just lumpy flowers.
Now, I don't know who usually sleeps on which side,
so I put a strawberry calcium chew on both night tables for you, Liz.
- Uh, we're coworkers, Ms. Edwards. - Oh, we're not -- No. No, no.
Oh, I'm sorry. I just assumed that --
That's quite all right.
A lot of people are making Wild assumptions today.
Our relationship is purely platonic, if Plato had an elderly, shut-in aunt.
Uh-huh. You know what Plato did have?
A gay relationship with Socrates.
Lemon, the only way you're like Socrates
is you have the body hair of a Greek man.
Are you sure you aren't married?
'Cause this seems pretty married.
Siri, find me the nearest hotel.
SIRI: Finding "hookers," is that right?
MARTHA: Oh, you don't want to go out.
The Vietnam vets are starting to retire,
and they get antsy at night around all these palm trees.
No, that's all right. We can sleep together.
Because there's nothing Weird about two friends sharing a bed.
Right, Jack?
Of course not.
Your pajamas have a turtleneck.
They're from the L.L. Bean Maritime Professional collection.
So, what way do you want to totally normally sleep together --
face to face or butt to butt?
Uh, careful. Old mattress.
[Grunts, sighs]
It goes without saying, Lemon,
that nothing will happen in this bed tonight,
and I am referring, of course, to your... digestive failings.
I'd laugh, but I'm trying not to do the thing that you just referred to.
[Both grunt]
[Jack sighs]
[Liz sighs]
Why didn't anything ever happen between us?
Good God, Lemon, if you're trying to conjure my mother's ghost,
you could just shake a jar of coins while praising Jimmy Carter.
No, I'm not saying I wanted something to happen,
but why didn't something happen?
We spent a lot of time together.
We've been drunk together and day drunk together
and on the rebound at the same time, and also you're kind of a slut.
I did sleep with Jenna a lot during season three.
If I were a different person, would you have hit on me?
I understand what you're getting at, Lemon.
There was a particularly "youth oriented" priest
in my childhood parish who went after everybody but me.
Even Fat Ralph, and he ate his boogers.
I felt so unpretty.
No, this isn't about appearance, Jack.
Did nothing never happen between us because I'm not fun?
Good God, Lemon, obviously our "relationship",
however you define it -- mentor/mentee...
Sister-ployee/work oracle.
...Is more interesting than some dating scenario.
And obviously to ruin what we have
with a tawdry yet expert sexual encounter
would have been a mistake.
Obviously. But is it the kind of mistake that I should have made?
Tracy told me I haven't lived.
You're allowing Tracy to criticize your life choices?
Tracy Jordan?
JENNA: Whoa!
[Sighs]
Now what?
But he's right. I haven't done anything impulsive ever.
I don't have any tattoos or broken bones.
I've never been high except for that choir trip to Montreal
where I accidentally ate a pound of marijuana.
Also, maybe I was never attracted to you
because you're the kind of person who finds a way to talk about herself
while lying in my dead mother's bed.
Wow, okay. Well, for the record, it's mutual.
I wasn't exactly chomping at the bit
to be with a middle-aged man with crippling mommy issues.
First of all, it's "champing" at the bit. Horses champ.
And second of all, I'm not going to fight in bed
with a woman I'm not even having sex with.
Why? Is it weird?
Of course it's weird.
Lincoln was super gay!
Thank you.
And I don't even want to think about my mother!
And I know those pots aren't flowers.
They're my mother's vagina.
TRACY: J.Mo.
I'm like the following joke about Bjork's swan dress -- tired.
I've seen dresses that look fly, but never dresses that can fly.
[Sighs] I couldn't sleep at all last night.
I've got this weird, sick feeling in my stomach.
Me too.
It's the same feeling I got in 1997 when that jury foreman looked at me
and said, “Guilty!“, and I had to close my water park.
I forgot to make an opening at the end of the slide.
- Is that what this is -- guilt? - I don't think so.
I mean, what have we done to feel guilty about?
We don't care that we made Kenneth lie, right?
No, come on! It's Kenneth!
Although he has been acting a little different since yesterday.
What, did I miss a spot?
I don't care.
All I care about is which jazz club I'm going to tonight.
- [Jenna gasps] - TRACY: He's broken.
[Birds chirping, door closes]
Good morning, Jack.
You sleep okay?
Colleen's myna bird told me you spent the night in the car.
I slept fine.
[Chuckles] Before you leave, I wanted you to have this.
That was taken at the wrap party
for our community center's production of "Grease."
Your mother was Sandy. Well, the fourth Sandy.
The first three died falling off the car during "Summer Lovin"'.
I don't know the last time I saw her so happy.
[Sighs]
I'm glad she had you to, uh, take care of her.
[Cell phone vibrates]
Lemon?
Jack, you need to come to Orlando and pick me up.
I'm in Harry Potter World jail.
Kenneth Parcell isn't signing your precious affidavit.
[Paper tears]
That is a Christmas card from my estranged daughter!
Tell him, Ken,
if you've ever experienced anything inappropriate at work.
Just tell the truth.
Well, sir...
No, Kenneth, you have something in your teeth.
I'm just trying to lick it off.
Let me do it! I'm your friend!
Want to see a porno my cousin is in?
[Slap!]
[Bonk!]
[Slap!]
[Laughs, Slap!]
[Slap!]
To close a very important deal,
I'm going to need to loan you to David Geffen for the weekend.
Why do I even take birth control pills if I'm always gonna be alone?
You might as well take them, Kenneth. You take them!
Take them!
Now, for days that weren't my birthday...
Get me Philadelphia.
'Cause I wanted to sound cool, okay, Tucker?
Fine, get me Gary Derekson.
Well, I did it.
I tried to live life, and it sucked.
I came here without studying the park map beforehand,
which is how I ended up in a long line
that turned out to just be a crowd of people
watching two owls have sex.
Then the park started to fill up, but, oh, I'm being spontaneous,
so I tried to cut the line for the "Flight of the Hippogriff",
which is when Duncan here caught me.
What is the point, Jack?
I am who I am, and I'm never gonna change.
I'll die full of regrets,
like that time I sat next to Richard Grieco on an airplane
and just let him read his "Hustlers" without ever telling him I was a fan.
Lemon, you're wrong. People can change.
Maybe tomorrow, maybe when you're 85,
you'll find a reason to do something totally out of character.
After all, that's what Colleen did.
Not to make this about me, but are you admitting that I was right
about your mother's late-in-life lez-out?
I just can't believe it.
I know. And a woman of color, too. Good for her.
No, not that. I can't believe she was happy.
- She was "Mrs. Silly." - [Gasps] Sketch idea.
At the end, when she said she just wanted me to be happy,
I thought she was being sarcastic, because when I was growing up
I thought people who wanted to be happy were weak --
hippies, Italians, kindergarten teachers.
What am I supposed to do with this?
I don't know how to be happy.
What are you talking about? That is enough of your black-Irish nonsense.
Of course you're happy.
It's never been the goal, Lemon.
The goal has always been money or prestige
or, when playing hockey, the goal.
Jack, in an hour, you are flying to New York City on a private jet
to a party celebrating you as KableTown's next CEO.
It's everything you've ever wanted.
And Colleen is looking down on you right now,
and you're happier than you've ever been.
Of course I am.
[Telephone ringing]
Hello, Beverly.
It's just Bev, Liz. My mother died while naming me.
Well, I do have an opportunity for an immediate placement.
Really? Wow. Okay.
BEV: There is one issue.
It's... two children, a brother and a sister,
and we don't want to split them up.
Two. Boy, that wasn't our plan.
BEV: I know. It's a lot to take on.
Why don't you discuss it with that little action figure you're married to?
- No, no, we'll do it. - Are you sure?
Yes, we'll take them. We'll take both kids.
- [Knock on door] - HANK: There you are, Liz.
I'm on my way up to see Jack,
but as long as I'm still CEO, I want to say two things.
One, did you get a little sun? You're glowing.
And two, because of the lawsuit and the PR nightmare
and the den of sin you've built here,
I have to go ahead and cancel "TGS".
Next Friday is your last show.
Great news, Liz.
Kenneth doesn't have different hair anymore!
BEV: Liz?
Liz?
I showed up without a bra one day, and I was viciously harassed
until I put on a shirt.
I once saw Kenneth Parcell naked. It was horrible.
His body is just a smooth, beige tube with a head.
Frank Rossitano was always trying to give me pornography
that I had given him in the first place.
I mean, what a re-gifter.
There are these two African-American giants
that were always pressuring me
to join their book club.
Can I please have a glass of water?
Thank you.